Oh, I hate this. It drives me to damage myself. I feel like jumping out the window or eating a giant super rich chocolate cake all by myself.
Last night, I drank whisky more than I should have and slept around 3:30 am. Why can’t I be immune to defeat? Probably I have lost more than 100 important matches so far including some games from Insei (before becoming a pro).
How come do I have to feel almost the same whenever I lost?
Why doesn’t my body create ‘Memory B Cells’ of Defeat, the vicious virus?

The bitterest defeat of my life was the last match to become a pro, which I lost by a half point in 2003. At the time, I was so miserable that I cried for 3 nights and 4 days. Well, maybe less. I succeeded becoming a pro exactly one year later though.
Anyway, considering that I am quite experienced in losing must-win match, I should be fine with less important defeats. But, am I? I don’t think so.
Yesterday, I got eliminated at the preliminary of Jeong-Kwan-Jang Cup, the female professional team competition between Korea, China and Japan. I have played as a Korean team player at this for 3 consecutive years. Though it’s not that I expected to pass the most competitive preliminary (So many female players’ goals are to pass this one) every year it was kinda unbearable. I cannot put this feeling into words exactly but the words wandering in my head are; bitter, frustrated, collapse, bleak, sad, painful, gloomy, and disappointed.
Guess you got my point?

I am taking TOEFL in two days. Think I should concentrate on that from now on. Hopefully by the time I finished the test, I would forget this defeat since I would probably be busy inferring the score.               




You would..